Mary Celeste
by HalfASlug
Summary: A collection of short one-shots about ships that would never float, even if you attached them to a thousand phoenixes and Aunt Marge.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: When I get writers block or am feeling particularly silly, I occasionally write something ridiculous and I have decided to share the better products of this because... well... why not?_

_This 'story' for want of a much better word will consist of tiny, unrelated drabble-type things about the stupidest pairings I can think of, ships with more holes in them than the Titanic that involve various characters, animals and the occasional plant. Updates will be silly, sporadic and... super! Rated T because frick knows where this is heading._

_Anyway, to kick off, here is my OOTP (Other One True Pairing)._

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_Disclaimer: J.K Rowling owns Harry Potter and had nothing to do with this... or did she?_

_No, she didn't._

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Draco knew that he should keep walking but he couldn't. Once his eyes had found the beautiful sight in front of him, he knew that he wasn't strong enough to pull them away. He had places to go, things to do, but he had been drawn into the field of orbit now and was powerless to resist.

Trying to act casual, he wiped the thin layer of sweat off his top lip and glanced around; hoping that someone could save him from himself but it was too much to ask of the strangers around him to pull him away. If only he weren't so weak… If only he wanted to resist.

Knowing that resistance was futile, Draco stepped forward purposefully, hoping to appear confident but not desperate and placed his hand, gently on the smooth curve. He wasn't rejected and he inwardly breathed a sigh of relief only to be replaced by a quickened pulse and the knowledge that nothing was going to stop him now.

It was different to what he was used to, slightly smoother that the others had been. His blunt nail scraped along the skin his wished desperately to taste and he suppressed a groan. Just the mere _thought _of the plump, red touching his lips was enough to make his muscles convulse.

Something akin to guilt crept up Draco's spine but he suppressed it under his now raging lust. It wouldn't be cheating, not really. His eyes darted to the left and he gulped. Could he really go through with it with his beloved, his faithful, watching him?

He let his eyelids slide shut and exhaled slowly. They called him the boy who made all of the wrong choices… Did he really want to take the moniker with him into adulthood?

"You all right there, mate?"

The man's voice cut through Draco's panic like a knife and he jumped slightly. He turned to see a middle-aged man with a concerned look and a pocketed apron around his waist.

"You know it's four for a quid, right?" he chuckled. "You can have more than one," he added, gesturing the selection of apples in front of him.

Draco's hand snatched away from the red one as he glared at the man.

"You don't understand," he spat at him through gritted teeth. He glanced at the Granny Smiths, trying to convey how truly sorry he was for his moment of weakness. "Nobody understands," he muttered as he tightened his cloak around him and walked away, knowing he would learn nothing from this experience.

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_Thanks for reading :)_


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: J.K Rowling owns Harry Potter and is the saviour of the universe. Seriously. She'll save every one of us._

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"Harry," Hermione whispered urgently, "we mustn't!"

Harry glanced around the darkened kitchen to make sure they weren't being overheard. It was highly unlikely that one of the others would come downstairs at one in the morning but, with what he was planning on doing with Hermione in mind, he just couldn't risk it.

"Look, if we hurry, no one will know," he said in an even voice, trying to calm her down. He saw her nibble her bottom lip and knew he was getting somewhere.

"But what if someone catches us," she worried. "What if Ron-"

"Ron won't find out. Neither will Ginny or anyone else." Harry took a deep breath before continuing. "You want it. I want it. And we can have it," he said, smiling slightly. "Surely it's worth the risk?"

Hermione's sharp eyes searched his, what for he didn't know, until they rested on the table in front of them. "And the kids?"

"What about them?"

The glare he received told him this wasn't the correct response.

"Okay, the kids will be upset by it," he relented and Hermione made a noise to show she thought this was an understatement, "but we can make it up to them."

"Can we?" Hermione asked sadly. Their eyes met and they both knew they wouldn't be able to just buy or talk the betrayal off of their children's faces.

Feeling his already fragile resistance crumble further, Harry took a step closer to Hermione and gripped her shoulders, causing her to gasp slightly. "We agreed, the both of us, to do this tonight," he said, trying to convey his desperation in his eyes. "Please, Hermione. You know you won't regret it."

She was worrying her lip again, clearly struggling to fight the urge to just give in to temptation, and Harry could sense he was on the home straight. A few well-chosen words and he would have the sweetest taste imaginable on his tongue, engulfing his senses…

"My parents raised me better than this," she mumbled. Her entire body screamed that she was ashamed of herself, that the guilt was eating at her. Her conviction to her beliefs was one of the things Harry loved most about her but right now he didn't have time for it. He was getting desperate.

"Hermione," he said softly, "it's just a cake."

They both turned to see the triple layered, chocolate and marshmallow covered masterpiece that sat on the table, unaware that its demise was being plotted just feet away.

"Ron's birthday cake."

"We can get him another. A bigger one," Harry added, trying to pull off the wounded puppy dog look that Ron always used on her.

Hermione's eyes flickered from Harry to the cake and back again before sighing in defeat.

"Get a knife."

Harry grinned widely as he bounced towards the cutlery drawer.


	3. Chapter 3

_A quick thank you to the people who actually ship this for giving me some hilarious fics and graphics to look at before I wrote this._

_Disclaimer: J.K Rowling had nothing to do with this and it shows._

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Hermione stumbled forward, her hand, stroking the wall, trying to find a light switch that apparently wasn't there. She wondered why it was so dark in her living room as she dropped her bag onto the nearest chair and made her way further into the room. Her eyes eventually adjusted and she could make out the back of a very familiar head, sat on the sofa in front of her.

Smiling, she made her way over to him, the man she loved before really understanding what that meant, and slid her arms around his neck and let them glide down his toned chest. He chuckled when she buried her face into the crook of his neck and she felt one of his hands stroked her hair, slipping through the curls with practised ease.

"I wondered when you would come home," she felt his voice rumble through his chest.

"Well," she replied, placing a kiss on his pulse point and smirking at the hitch in his breath, "you know I can't stay away for too long."

The Earth was tilted on its axis as Hermione was pulled over the back of the sofa an into her lover's arms.

"You're going to be the death of me, Granger," he whispered before claiming her lips with the desperation and authority that drove her to the brink and back every time they met.

The almost violent movements of his tongue, delving into her mouth, coupled with the gentle caress of his hands on her spine, threatened to expose her very soul to him. The cracks he made in her protective shell that the rest of the world knew her by were all he needed to pour in his poison and destroy her in the best possible way…

Hermione wrenched her lips from his, utterly breathless, and gave him a naughty smile. His eyes caught fire as he gazed at her and she could almost see the things he wanted to do to her behind the flames. She knew she would fight. She knew she would put up a resistance that would only make him want her more.

She also knew that, deep down, she wanted to be burned.

"I bought you flowers," he whispered against her neck, "and that book you wanted."

He always did this. He always tried to show her how much she was loved with presents and gestures but really his actions were always enough. Even when it had only been stolen yet heated glances at Hogwarts or the arguments they both craved more than they'd ever admit to each other – it had always been enough for her because everything this man did was perfection.

Hermione pulled his head back and, keeping eye contact with at all times, dragged her bottom lip between her teeth, knowing it drove him wild.

"What am I going to do with you?" he asked breathlessly.

Slowly, Hermione moved forward so that her face so it was almost touching his and laughed softly. "Anything you want to, Draco."

There was a loud crash as Hermione blinked rapidly and tried to work out what had just happened. The back of her head was throbbing and she was sprawled out next to her bed. Gingerly, she sat up and saw a pale hand in front of her. For a moment, she was filled with a horrible sense of dread but then, through the gloom, she saw the hand was covered in freckles.

Turning to her left, Hermione was met with the sight of her husband's head, his face obscured by his thick red hair, on her pillow and his lanky body taking up most of the bed. She poked him in the shoulder a few times but still he snored on.

"Move over!" she eventually growled, shoving him roughly. As much as she tried, it had no impact.

So she started punching him.

"Refsawanker," he mumbled, frowning and Hermione gave up and crawled into the tiny space he had left for her.

Just as she let out a huffy string words including "useless" and "lump", one of his long arms swung over the top of her and landed with his hand over her face. Hermione closed her eyes and wished for the patience she knew she wasn't capable of and pulled her arm back so that she could elbow him in the ribs.

"Luvu, mynee."

It sounded like complete nonsense to most, but to Hermione it was everything she could possibly want from the early hours of the morning. Well, except sleep of course.

Her nightmare almost forgotten, Hermione shuffled backwards into the warmth of the man behind her and sighed contentedly. He may not greet her every night with flowers and books and he may occasionally knock her out of bed and leave her no room but he was still Ron and, to her at least, that was perfection.


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: J.K Rowling owns Harry Potter. If you didn't know that then you should probably sort your life out, dude._

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"George?"

George looked up from the box of florescent pink powder to see Fred, pulling on his dragon-skin gloves with a thoughtful expression on his face. "Yeah?"

His twin took his time opening the sack of Slytherin Quidditch robes he had managed to procure from the laundry, clearly trying to find the right words. He passed George the first set of green robes he had dragged out of the bag and he began applying the powder liberally to the inside of it.

"Have you ever wanted to have sex with me?" Fred asked casually, looking back to the bag.

George glanced at Fred, pausing his work only for a second. "Erm… no."

Fred nodded and gave him the next set of robes as he took the booby-trapped robes from George.

"Why?" laughed George. "Do you want to have sex with me?"

"'Course not," Fred replied matter-of-factly. "That's disgusting."

"Not to mention illegal."

"Yeah, why would you even bring it up?"

Their eyes met and they both smirked as they carried on covering the robes in the powder.

"Right," Fred announced, clapping his hands together, "that's all of them. How much Pustule Powder have we got left?"

George flipped the pot. Only a thin mist of powder fell out.

"Excellent," grinned Fred. "Now are you sure you didn't put too much lobalug venom in the mixture? Because that could prove quite painful," he added with a stern expression.

"Nope," shrugged George.

Roaring with laughter, Fred slung his arm over George's shoulders and left the Quidditch changing rooms together.

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_A/N: Not a whole lot of wit going on here but I just think needs to be pointed out because some people are apparently unaware._


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: J.K Rowling still owns Harry Potter and writing these things is just FFnet's way of rubbing this in my face._

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She kept the lights off because she didn't want to see her shameful night time actions. This was her family's kitchen, where she made her beautiful children breakfast and asked them about their plans before going to work. This was where they ate dinner, discussing their days and laughed together. Her husband, whom she loved more than she thought it was possible to love another person, was sleeping upstairs.

She swallowed as she crept across the cold tiles towards her temptation, knowing that what she was doing was wrong but that it was useless to resist. She craved something that her husband just couldn't provide her with. It wasn't his fault, not really. Her tastes had changed, simply put. In her youth, she had wanted his sweetness but now she wanted something sharper… something forbidden.

Her worst fear was that he somehow found out but it was more than worth the risk.

Although in reality, the room was silent, she could hear desire calling her towards it, almost deafening her when she was close enough to touch it. Reaching out, she felt a rush of fear but pushed it aside as the cold skin touched hers. Such ice shouldn't have been as erotic as it was but while this close, she couldn't think properly.

Slowly, her lips covered the place she knew would bring the most pleasure. There was a moan but she was far past the point of caring who it belonged to. It wasn't long before she felt her mouth fill with the sweet juice she had been craving since she had woken up.

Suddenly the light flickered on, and she span around, trying to cover the evidence as it dripped down her chin. Her husband stood in the doorway and she had nowhere to hide. The truth was out and nothing would ever be the same again.

"Hermione?" asked Ron in a voice roughened by sleep. He ruffled his bed hair, looking thoroughly confused in his pyjamas. "What the fuck are you doing with that apple?"

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_A/N: Apmione. Because let's face it, knowing this fandom, it's only a matter of time._


	6. Chapter 6

_Disclaimer: J.K Rowling owns Harry Potter and would have probably added an apple into this chapter._

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Lesser men would've be nervous, but not Gilderoy. No, he was the vision of confidence as he lit his favourite scented candles, giving his bedroom the soft lighting he much preferred to the harsh glare that could come from those Hogwarts ones. He needed the mood to be perfect for this and he wasn't about to let Dumbledore's questionable taste ruin it for him.

When he was finished, he pocketed his wand and let his hand linger against the soft lavender fabric. These were his favourite robes. Of course they were; he wouldn't dare wear anything else – not tonight.

He strode over to his object of desire, treating it to a flash of his five-time award-winning smile as he went. Most people, regardless of their sexual preference, swooned when they saw this - in fact, so did some animals – so it wasn't a shock to Gilderoy when he witnessed a shiver go up the spine of his beloved.

"There's no need to be intimidated," he told them, caressing their sides with his soft, unblemished. "I wouldn't dare hurt _you._"

If he wasn't much mistaken, he had just witnessed the prettiest blush the world had to offer.

Gilderoy ducked his head, feigning bashfulness. Life had taught him that most people were put off by arrogance, which is why he always tried to show his humble side whenever he deemed it prudent. After all, there was no need to show off about how flawless he was _all _the time.

"If you don't mind," he said in a seductive tone that melted _his_ heart, let alone anyone else's, "I'd like to read you a poem."

When no refusal or protest was made, Gilderoy quickly retrieved a slip of pale pink parchment from his dressing table and cleared his throat before taking his Public Speaking Stance.

"_Every morning_," he began, in a booming voice, "_when the sun doth rise, I think of you. When the rain does pitter patter outside, I think of you._"

Knowing his audience was enraptured, he paused for effect and slowly stepped closer, well aware that this move was so smooth, it was almost illegal. The Imperius Curse was less effective.

"_And_," he continued, almost whispering now, "_when the little birds in the tree tweet jubilantly and the tiny squirrels hurry and the bunnies hop and bounce-_" He lifted his gaze from the parchment to the blue eyes of his lover, watching his irresistible smoulder in the reflection of their tears. "-_I think of you._"

Unable to take it anymore, Gilderoy let out a shuddering breath and stroked his mirror with the back of his knuckles. He had never seen anything so perfect in his life. There was no need to pretend to cry; the beauty before him had already rendered him teary.

"I love you, Gilderoy," he choked out before finally leaning forward to seal his new love with a kiss.


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: Always wanted to write something from this character's POV. Didn't imagine it'd be this._

_Also, this is Mary Celeste's first foray into nudity! Wey-hey! And heartbreak! Aww._

_Disclaimer: J.K Rowling is the creator of Harry Potter. I'm just responsible for this mess._

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Severus stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. He'd spent another day being tormented by Potter and his pet dog and was in a foul mood.

Well, fouler than usual.

He tried his best to wipe the florescent sludge from his eyes but the gunk seemed to multiply. On his way out of the Great Hall after dinner he had been hit by balloons filled with this substance as the rest of the students laughed and pointed at him. As soon as he had been able to open his eyes, he had spotted the familiar silhouette of the two dunderheads at the top of the marble staircase.

The site of a furious McGonagall would have been enough to make up for the embarrassment – if Lily hadn't been stood next to him throughout the whole incident. Of course, none of the mess had hit her and she looked perfect as per usual. He had pulled his sopping hair out of his face to see her looking at him with a mixture of pity, fury and disgust.

"What is _wrong_ with those two?" she growled, he eyes trailing the pair in question her Head of House frogmarched them away. "Are you all right, Sev?"

"Never better," he spat before almost running back to the Slytherin common room.

Now, looking in the mirror, he could see exactly how stupid he looked – how stupid Lily had seen him look. Scowling, he ripped his robes and clothes off, before turning the snakehead-shaped dial on the shower up much warmer than he usually had it. He had a feeling Potter and Black would have made this stuff hard to wash off. It had only been a few months since he had started Hogwarts and already he was waiting for the day he wouldn't have to see either of them again.

Ten minutes later, Severus had successfully removed the sludge from his body, but it was still clinging to his hair. He pinched the bridge of his nose and waited for the rage he felt to abate but it was no use. The more he thought about this latest humiliation, the more it stung. Just as he was about to jump out of the shower, grab his wand and hex Potter and Black into submission, he remembered the one thing that could calm him down and avoid another detention. His opened his eyes and, through the steam, found one of his favourite things in the world. If anything could make him feel better, it was this.

He picked it up and recalled the beautiful day he had received it.

It had been his birthday. Normally he hated his birthday and hadn't told anyone that it was coming, but somehow Lily had found out and had braved the jeers of the other Slytherins to come and give him a present at breakfast, before leaving with a cheeky wink.

Once holed up in his room at break, Severus had bucked up the courage to carefully ply open the wrapping paper to reveal a small bottle. According to the label it was shampoo. Confused, Severus read the card still attached to the wrapping.

_Dear Sev,_

_Happy birthday! I know you didn't want any fuss, but did you really expect me to forget? I saw this and remembered you saying how you liked how my hair smelt – well, this is a similar fragrance so I thought you might like it._

_Love from, Lily_

She had been right; it was just like the smell of her hair, but slightly less fruity. Every time he had used it so far, he had transported to a fragrant world of foamy goodness and couldn't get enough of it. For the first time in his life he was showering every day just so he could use his present. He loved it and, with each use, he noticed his hair getting silkier and his mood improve tenfold.

Feeling like now would be a good time to escape to his personal paradise, he squirted a large blob into his hand and started massaging it into his scalp. Straight away he felt the sludge start to fall off him and smiled; even now, when he was humiliated, a laughing stock, this wonderful experience made him feel invincible.

Suddenly, a stab of pain shot through Severus' right eye. As he attempted to blink it away, the same thing happened to his right eye.

"Argh!" he cried, desperately rubbing his eyes, only to make the situation worse. Blindly, Severus fumbled around, trying to find his towel, but succeeded only in walking into the shower door, adding a throbbing bump on his head to his problems. He staggered backwards, clutching his head, until finally slipping and landing on his arse.

Naked, embarrassed and now in quite a bit of pain, Severus sat under the stream of hot water until his eyes had stopped burning enough for him to open them. He reached up and grabbed the shampoo bottle. His eyes still watering a little, he managed to make out the words 'No More Tears' on the side, before lobbing the bottle over the top of the shower cubicle as hard as he could and heard it hit the far wall.

He had enough of people attacking him normally, Severus thought bitterly. He didn't need his toiletries joining in. It wasn't like he really needed shampoo anyway. What was he going to do in later life? Dazzle everyone with by flicking his hair about? What was Lily thinking giving him that stuff? Was she purposely trying to rub salt in his wounds? Well, not salt, but highly corrosive acid? If she wanted to ruin him she could at least try to leave his sight intact. Maybe if she asked out Potter or something…

It was only as he finally clambered to his feet, got out of the shower and saw the now-dented bottle that Severus remembered what had caused his chaotic shower. With a look of disgust on his pallid face, he picked it up and glared at it. He had put his faith in the stuff, hoping it would cheer him up after a miserable day, and it had only made things worse. He chucked it into the bin as he started drying himself, vowing never to use shampoo again.

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_A/N2: Hmm. This was meant to be Snape/shampoo and it came out… this. Not sure if that came across. Oh well._

_While I'm here - I've spotted a couple of people rec-ing my fics on tumblr so thank you so much for that, you wonderful humans. And I think this is my first update of 2013 so Happy New Year, everybody! I wish you luck and joy and unicorns!_


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: I… I am so sorry for what you are about to read. Wazlib88 should also be held accountable. But yeah… sorry._

_Disclaimer: J.K Rowling had nothing to do with this for which she should be very proud._

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The sun began to set in the Scottish Highlands as the Giant Squid lazily splashed around in the shallows of the lake. It had been two weeks now since term ended and he was beginning to miss the students. While they were there he couldn't wait to get rid of them. Whenever he wanted to sleep, they would start throwing sticks at him and wanting to play… Whenever he wanted to play it would end with Dumbledore telling him off for _physical assault_…

The first week without them had been bliss. He could finally do what he pleased, when he pleased. But now he found he was bored. The Merpeople got sick of his antics years ago and the Grindylows were dull. It was more fun throwing things at the Whomping Willow to see how pissed off it could get, but even that had lost its charm.

The Giant Squid watched the fading light and sighed. If only Dumbledore would accept his request to find him a girl squid. There used to one in the lake many years ago, when Dippet had still been in charge, but she had been moved elsewhere when it was decided it wasn't appropriate for the both of them to be near children. It wasn't fair! They didn't know that those fourth years had been watching them!

Just as he was about to dive into the depths of the lake to see if Moaning Myrtle had left yet, the Giant Squid felt something pull on one of his tentacles. He turned to see a human holding it close to him. The human looked to be fully-grown and possibly male, but it really was hard to tell with these things. The Giant Squid tried to pry his limb away from the human without him noticing, but the movement made him look up and see that the Giant Squid was watching him.

"Oh, I-I'm sorry," he stuttered, pushing a weirdly-shaped thing further up the pointy bit on his face. "I didn't mean to disturb you." There was a small pause. The Giant Squid observed the human and wondered where he had come from. He wasn't one of the normal ones. "I'm Dr Granger, by the way. My daughter, Hermione, comes to this school."

The human gestured to the gigantic castle behind him. The Giant Squid remained impassive. Normally he was safe in the lake, but he didn't know if he could trust this human. He didn't appear to be a threat. In fact, he seemed rather sad.

"I-I was lonely, you see," the human explained, looking down at the grass. "I can't be with my wife anymore." What the Giant Squid assumed were the human's eyes began to fill with water. He panicked for a moment as he didn't know human first aid and he was sure they weren't supposed to do that.

"She – she doesn't exist!" he cried, falling to his knees and making strange noises. "I've looked all up and down the character list on Fanfiction dot net and she isn't there!" He wiped one his four tentacles over his face. "If the fandom can't ship us," he choked, "then how can our love be real?"

The Giant Squid didn't know enough human to fully understand the problem this human was facing, but he did understand that he was distressed. The human media had always presented his species as monsters, but it wasn't true and the Giant Squid wanted to prove it. He gently patted the human on the back with one tentacle, which seemed to stop the water coming out of his eyes. He couldn't be sure, but, with this action, he may have saved the human's life.

The human looked up at him and sniffed. While he looked better, he still didn't seem to be completely okay and, as the only human who had tried to speak to him for weeks, the Giant Squid decided to he would help him. He swam as close to the shore as possible and then lowered his head so that he could see the human properly. The hole in his face where the sound came out was curved upward slightly and the Giant Squid hoped this was a good sign.

"I mean, it could be either of us – we're both Dr Granger." He shrugged. "But does that mean I somehow impregnated myself? Are we the same person? How is Hermione even possible?"

The human appeared to want answers that the Giant Squid didn't have so he copied what the human had done and shrugged, causing a small tidal wave. The water splashed onto the human, but he didn't seem to mind too much. In fact, he made that strange noise that the human children often made, his sound hole curing again.

"I guess it's because we're Muggles," he sighed. "Have you seen how obscure some of the characters that are featured are? The Mirror of Erised isn't even human-"

The Giant Squid splashed the human again.

"Er - living and _that's_ allowed!" he complained. "How can that possibly be a character? It's a fucking mirror!"

The human had the same look on his face that Dumbledore did that time he had tried to show a human child where he slept. Unsure of what else to do the Giant Squid ducked under the water a little so he could make a quick escape if necessary.

"Oh, sorry!" the human said, the look disappearing from his face. "It isn't your fault that you're included and my wife isn't. After all, you do appear in the books more than her. And, personally, I think you would have been great in the films."

The Giant Squid could still remember the day that the human they called Chris Columbus had 'regretfully informed' him that there wasn't a 'place for him in his motion picture'. It had been one of the saddest of his life. The Whomping Willow had been unbearable. He was very glad to hear that Peeves had attacked this human with ink pellets when he had received his own bad news.

"Sorry for taking this out on you," the human said quietly as he stood up on two tentacles. "I was… I was lonely and you're the only character on this website that hasn't slept with my daughter so…" He sighed again and took a step backwards. "I just thought we could be friends. My mistake."

Water starting to fill his eyes again, the human turned away and began moving towards the castle. Sadness filled the Giant Squid. Although most of the things humans did confused him, there was one thing about them he understood completely - loneliness. Without a second thought, he stretched out one of his tentacles, wrapped it around the middle of the human and pulled him close to him. For a moment the human was tense, but then he tried to wrap his little tentacles around the Giant Squid as best he could, his sound hole curving upwards once more.


End file.
